Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Why Weight?

I run. I run in hot Dallas sun. I run when it is hot but the sun is gone. I try to run and land up walking. I try to walk and land up running. All so that I can loose the few pounds to get back to my pre-prego weight. Darn it, I am ready to give up. There is just no point. No matter how much I run, I eat. I really double up the calories into my stomach and then try to run it off. That is no good now, is it?

All the running gives me free time to think. The music blares in my ear but my mind is wandering. I am everywhere but on the road. On one of those dreamy running moment, my brain took me back to when I was this small, like say about 3 years old. My mother was very concerned, I ate normally but I looked like skin and bones stuck together with buck tooth to make things worse. 

When I was in my 5th standard, it was established by a doctor that I was anemic. Doctor ordered mutton and loads of spinach. My mother knew nothing of cooking meat. She cooked mutton like she would potato. Either it was not cooked well or over cooked. And spinach, I still cannot eat it without feeling slightly disgusted at least once because I was overfed dal-palak. My hatred for mutton and spinach started then.

That diet helped me get less anemic but the weight gain issue was still present. It never bothered me because at that time and age being skinny was neither fad or looked down upon. So I existed content that no matter what I stuffed down my throat I did not gain an ounce more than what I did yesterday.

Life progressed into college. All that eating continued and nothing changed other than my pre-dominantly South Indian genes took over me. I still did not gain an ounce of weight but my ass grew. It really had a mind of its own. All the dancing I did for school and college culturals did not help either. So now I looked like a full fledged pear. Still super skinny every where but the one place where I did not want to gain any weight.

Now, all of you pear shaped ladies know that once you get the rear growing, there ain't no stopping it. It might stop growing but it ain't never gonna shrink. Well that is where I was when I came to the USA. Over dosing on french fries, jalapeno poppers, and all that ranch sauce did not really help...

Oh! and when I got pregnant I really ate like I was eating for two adults. Not for an adult and a few days old fetus, but for two big burly adults. Well, now I struggle. I sweat it out. But gosh darn it, I wish I could go back to the days when I cried through my lunch eating crappy mutton (sorry amma!) and spinach. That is what I want, a skinny me, with no worries of what I ate and how much I ate. I still eat a lot, but feel slightly guilty after wards...slightly only because I love to eat!

I keep reminding myself, the ultimate motive is to remain healthy, not thin but healthy. As if I could ever get skinny, heh! But healthy, I want healthy (I really want thin) I keep telling myself to no avail. Let me see how much of the earth I can occupy. It is me against the planet now.

Watch out Earth. 



Kavita said...

in the same boat Anu/.. the pounds drop and then they climb back up.. ughh but hte key thing is to stay healthy and if you are working out regularly.. that's what matters..

p.s if you do find something that works, please share with us :)

Megha Bansal said...

if we could just be happy with ourselves and our situations!
but you are doing good..i know you are! bhag anu bhag :D