Competitive

Competitive...The latest trend amongst people my age is to claim their virtues and be proud of it. I have literally heard people loudly and proudly say, "I am so competitive," or "I am type A personality," or "I hate to loose." Sure, I am always looking forward to my next loss!

I have an acquaintance who is proud of simple thing as cleaning the counter, well, because he is Type A personality and has self acclaimed to posses OCD. This is just insulting those who have been diagnosed with the disorder while all he does is clean the counters well.

Then there is this lady who walks around claiming that she is competitive in three out of five conversation I had with her. It was an immediate turn off. I understand that you are competitive but you do not have to competitively tell everyone about it. I feel that everyone is competitive about things they want and care about. I, for example, won't compete in a drinking game because I know I would loose on the second drink but that does not mean I am not competitive, just that I have better things to fight for.

When I thought this was an oddity I realized that this is more common than not. A few weeks ago two women quickly claimed that they were both aggressive about winning. One could hardly hold herself back while the other was claiming it that she rushed to chime, "me too." I saw them both and across their room and they turned into little kids fighting for the one last ice cream. I laughed so hard inside that I could barely contain it when I was talking to them later. Their stature became so small and cute that they were not imposing any more.

I hope that my daughter does not turn up to be them. That she can relax and compete in things that matter to her because that is what life is all about, fight for what you not and not what others want you to fight for. Do what you enjoy and you would never have to claim personality traits to fit in. Just because your strength turns out to be an achiever in one of those useless test does not mean that you will achieve everything in life or vice versa. It is ok, we all have one life to live, while live it being a "me too?"

A Zen ART

Mental Wanderer!

The last few months have been a roller coaster - of emotions, of lives, of my world as I know it. I was forced to look inside and see that I was not what I thought I always was. I almost entertained a thought that I never thought I would in my life. I was chastised for something that should not have been and I my many apologies seemed to fall in deaf ears. I looked around and saw smiling faces and I felt guilt every time I wanted to laugh. I went on a party wagon but could not let loose to enjoy the ride. Every meal I ate made me feel bad, every word I said made me look inside. I looked at others and felt a pang of jealousy wondering how nice it would be to live life without being me. Yet through all these times I was grateful. I was grateful because I had things that others did not, like love and support, and things to love. I wonder if everyone go through life like this or similar in their life. Yet, I see that as we move on, get stronger, we do not stop to hold others' hands. Instead, we chug along racing towards the never-finding goal ignoring the one's whose lives are down in the dump like mine was a few days ago.

I hope to come out of these funky months very soon and when I do, I want to be stronger, look in the eyes of the perpetrators and tell them that "the shit they threw at me did pass but when it happens to them and if I am around I will extend my hands instead of shitting over them."

Mental wanderer is the state of my mind the last few days. I smile on the outside but the brain is looking around for something that is not touchable. I am hoping that the sun will rise and will shine on me and others going through similar things, it cannot be dark forever, it should not be dark forever. Keep reminding yourself that it is always "mind over matter."

Mental Wandering ART!

Savage and Wrecked!

When I was a little girl the words savage and wrecked meant something different. Er, they actually meant what they were supposed to mean. Today, there is a totally new meaning. Kid talks or rather teen talks. S is not close to being a teen but has a lot of teen influences - friends and cousins. So this is a typical conversation between me and her:

Her: I was standing in line and this guy tried to cut the line.
Me: *Disinterestest* hmm...
Her: Mom, so imagine (she brings in her hands to show how she was in line and the dude was trying to cut in).
Me: Hmm...Get to the point...
Her: I told him, dude you are cutting the line. And he asked me, "where is the line?"
Me: Hmm...
Her: This is the best part, Behind me coz that's where you are always going to be. Moves her hand like a whip...Boom. *Super Excited* He wanted to say something but my response was both savage and it wrecked him. Ha!
Me: Savage? Wrecked?
Her: School talk mom, you won't get it. Goodnight.

Another one with my kid nieces and nephew:

Niece: That is so Lit Bro.
Me: Sooo Lit.
Nephew: That is not the right usage.
Me: But she just said it.
Nephew: That was correct...but your was not.
Me: Why?
Daughter, Nieces and Nephew Together: Because....(They really wanted to shut me up).

Yet another learning experience (Courtesy Niece):

Niece: That is sooo Salty.
Me: Salty? Should it be sugary?
Niece: No atha (aunt), it's salty...as in burn with a little bit of sassy.
Me: Savage? Salty? Burn? Sassy...that I get.
Niece: Atha, you are so cute...
I used to tell that to her a couple of years ago...Role Reversal I am not ready for!

What I understand is that I should step aside and let the young 'uns take over my old world. All my salty burns and savaged wrecks were mostly in Tamil, a few in English and I am sure I thought that my family were old school too...but it is just so cute to annoy them by using these things wrong. They get so worked up and I find that super adorable and cute.

A Misty ART

Coffee Mug in Hand!

It was my first paid job. The day at work started at 10 and ended anytime after 5. Some days I spent more time and others I would leave early. Especially if it was Friday. I had to meet my brother B and friend S every day. I was living in a new city as a paying guest and they were one of the few who kept me from getting home sick - not to mention that every other week trip back home...

Pandu bought us coffee or tea at our desk. You have to let him know your preference as soon as you got to work or your default choice would be delivered. It always came in a stainless steel dabara set. The bowl at the bottom and the inverted cut with the tea/coffee. This was how coffee was served in offices prior to multi-nationals coming into the country.This was how my dad enjoyed his tea at work and so did I. We waited for the coffee boy who would come everyday like clockwork at 11 in mid-morning and 3 in the afternoon. Tea time meant people could relax. We would spend ten minutes talking, joking before going back to work.

In the evenings I would walk to S's Wipro office on MG Road in Bangalore. While I waited in the lobby I would notice all the techies walking up and down the hallway with coffee mugs in their hands. Coffee mugs were a new concept. We either drank coffee in a dabara set or in cup and saucer. I would look at them in awe and wonder what the magic drink was, if it tasted better because it was in this humongous mug.

From Wipro S and I would either ride in his Kinetic Honda or walk to my brother B's office at Citi. Walk or ride depended on our energy levels and time we had at hand. The same scene would unfold there also, men and women with coffee mugs walking with busy stride up and down. This made my dabara set tea look very miniscule. I wanted to also do the same but never owned a mug or knew where to get one.

Fast forward twenty years...I now spend at least 3-4 times a day walking with coffee mug in hand. I own enough to fill up an entire cabinet. Whenever I visit India I find the dabara set and cup and saucer teas very less for me. I shamelessly ask for a second or sometimes a third round. I wish I could go back to being that innocent young lady who found awe in simple things. Who spent evening walking from one place to another nary a care. I would have easily raked up more than 10K steps in one day without having to plan an event to do so like I have to now. The young girl who ate two dinners every night because I could do so and not pile on pounds. I miss those days in my life, they are precious, they defined me, I am glad I got to live them!

A coffee mug in hand ART

And the Bitch is back!

There is always that one person in your life who will do everything possible to make you feel inferior. A lot of times when it is true, you accept it and make changes or move on but sometimes it is fit for laughs and laughs only. Especially when you know that there is nothing you can do to prove your worth...

Recently, I met up with an acquaintance. I want to call her my friend but every time I try to reach out to her or do friendly stuff she either shuts me out or does not accept my friendship. I let it be and now I have come to accept that we will never be friends even after knowing each other for a long time now. Most of my conversation with her are always about others, others I do not know or will never meet. It goes like this on most days:

Her: Do you know so-and-so (sas)?
Me: Nope.
Her: Very smart lady. Has a PhD in microfundamentalpoliticalphysicalshitthatyouwillneverknow
Me: Really? Sounds very impressive.
Her: She is nothing her husband is even better...double PhD in the same thing and very amazing person.
Me: Wow!
Her: Well their kids, are so amazing, one is in Stanford, one in Harvard and the other is studying in the first university in Mars.
Me: Amazing!
Her: Yup. Have you heard of this other person?
Me: Nope...
Her: blah blah blah
Me: Monosyllable excitement.

I always leave wondering how any of our conversation made me feel? Am I supposed to feel awed that she knows all these great people? Am I to feel bad that I only have a Master's? Am I to feel worried if my daughter will go to the best school in the country?

I am normally not known for in depth conversation with everyone. I save that for a few inner circle friends but at least I do not try to patronize people on most days. These meetings are at best boring and I wonder why I have to deal with this and then I remember, it is always nice to have a variety of people around you. My life is definitely not monotonous. People like her make me appreciate some people more than the other .


Return of the Bitchy Art!

Turning!

As we leaf through book of our own life, each page is filled with a new memory, a new friendship or relationship, a new story, a new memory of an old story, laughter, sadness, tears from joy and angst, smiles, successes and failures, etc. We age as we go through the book, old memories becomes experience, new memories are our identity and we mature, just like a bottle of old wine waiting to be enjoyed. That is me, now I can officially start checking a different box for age group. I have ranked up. Matured, older and (but none the) wiser. Unfortunately for me, I am still a little girl inside of a physically mature me. I am still afraid to be alone, sometimes lazy, very quirky, have not updated bad habits to good habits yet, can break into a dance in a second or cry over nothing. I am still me, the same me that was there a decade ago or 3 decades ago. Nevertheless, I am happy to step into a new decade, with hopes and excitement as anyone else and also not looking forward to biological slow down. I cannot imagine me not dancing for 3 straight hours of Indian music. I cannot imagine not being able to run 3 miles if I feel like it. I do not want to imagine me slowing down my pace in my walk, talk or anything but I know I have to look forward to that.

Age is nothing but a number...ahem! Easier said than done. I will tackle each battle as I get there and will share it with everyone to read. And while it lasts, I will try to have a blast in my new decade!

Happy Birthday to Me!
Birthdayed-out-ART

Running As Fast As I Can!!!

Have you ever felt that your life is nothing but running from pole to pole? Deadline to deadline? Friend to friend? From home to work and back? From classes to cooking to cleaning to taking care of chores to catching up on TV and catching up on life. Sometimes even watching TV gets overwhelming. I am scheduling TV time in my day just to make sure that I do not miss out on some fun.

There are so many things to remember to do, so many things to take care of, so many places to be and sometimes all at one time. Just writing this down makes me go breathless. I sometimes feel that I live in the constant fear on forgetting something. Did I pack ear muffs for daughter's tennis class? How about a snack? Her gloves? My dabba for lunch? My ID? My purse (yes, I have forgotten this sometime)? My phone😭? My this and that and knickknacks. Golly, I have several lists, I track things at several locations and still fall short.

I keep reminding myself on friend's to text to, say, wish them for a birthday, or ask about their parent or child who is sick, or inquire about an upcoming plan, or their health. I still miss out on something important. I am sure I have at least 2 or 3 people who are upset with me because I did not wish them or ask them about something that was extremely important to them. I promise, it is not because you are not important or I have better things to do. That text message is sitting with the snack I forgot and the dance class fee I forgot to pay two weeks in a row among other things. Yes, even sending a simple text message can cause hyperventilation. I reminded myself three times before I sent out a friend "get well soon" text. I was glad I did that today when it was still in the correct window of wishing. I dread the day a friend will remind me of how thoughtless I am without feeling thoughtless for telling me such a thing.

Now, I understand that these wishes, texts, chores, give us identity, friendships, families, things to look forward to. I only hope that they are not the ones that also give me a heart attach. I have to keep this short so I can go and forget something else or not respond to a text or skip running to a class.

A Running ART!

This is idyllic. Kids running ahead and dad's making sure they are fine while mom's go for a relaxing walk. Wish everyday was like this one!

Nothingness...leads to a lot of BS

I had this window open for a while. Each topic I think of writing feels combative. This is not the only reason for the existence of the blog - to complain about people or their habits. I want it to be more of a place where my daughter can come back and read about her mom, her life, things I have not had a chance to share with her yet. But some days I feel like this is more of a rant space. A space where I can bitch about people with a veil. A vent space that all of us sometimes need. I am glad I have this venue, a place where I can secretly complain and hope that the person I am complaining about reads and gets the hint. It some how misses the mark almost all of the time though 😋

The weather outside is pretty cold and rainy, has been raining for two days straight, feels like I live in Seattle. The thing about rainy weather is that it is cozy, it should be enjoyed from within the sheets of your bedroom, with a hot cuppa chai and some hot pakoda that was cooked by someone other than you. A snuggle, some TV, a sippa chai would be perfect. But if you look at it from the window of your office, it is lonely, gloomy, and very depressing. If you have not seen the sun three days in a row, it can get boring too. And this is Texas weather we are talking about, a lot of rain almost always equals with hail, tornadoes, or just high speed winds, so we are on the constant look out.

S and us have started to do fun stuff on the weekends. Things that she enjoys with us. One weekend the two of us played badminton for almost an hour and had the best time doing so. One weekend G brought her biking to visit me at the gym while I was trying to fake work out. It was such a pleasant surprise to see them both all happy and smiles. She biked 4 miles that day. She also ran with me, or rather ahead of me 3 miles once. We are trying to do random physical activity with her to keep her fit while she is going through so many down days at tennis due to the weather outside. She loves her tennis, she loves it enough to want to play it for fun. She is not much into competition, she tells me that she just does not feel it in her to compete in sports. She enjoys hitting with us and her coach but that is it. I am happy that she has a good knack at raquet sports. She picked up badminton in 3 minutes of trying to figure out what to hit and where.

Oh well! I had nothing to write and then a lot of something to say. There is a lot more stuff where this came from and hopefully I will be able to pull them out one at a time!

Pensive ART

The Truth!

We never hear the truth from people. Period!

Not unless they trust you completely and you are the one person in the world to whom they will confess. So true in the world of Facebook and other social media. Everyone is having a gala time, at least that is what you think. Successful work life, great marriages, amazing family and the Best of all the Best things in the world. This is also so true in real life. You meet people, old friends and new alike, everyone presents their best self to you. You never know what the truth is, real happiness, faking a great work-life balance? Who knows.

I once had a chat with a mom and the discussion traversed into the sensitive talk about "working." I am always wary because I often times find myself defending the fact that I work post maternity. I find mother's who do not work defensive about their choice too. I feel that there is no need to defend. It is what it is, we choose what works best for us. To each his own. Yet this mom told me, "I have always wanted to go back to work but with two kids I barely have time. And my husband, he is so nice, he tells me not to go back to work, there is no need for it. I also do not know if I will get the right job as I have not worked in 8 years."

A week or so later I meet the husband sans wife. We start talking about work and exchange qualifications before he says, "I wish my wife worked. I have been asking her to go back now that both kids are in school and she refuses to give it a try. I am a strong believer that everyone should put their qualification to good use."

My jaw dropped. Oh well! I think it might help family to share notes before they step out 😋

A Grinning ART