Competitive

Competitive...The latest trend amongst people my age is to claim their virtues and be proud of it. I have literally heard people loudly and proudly say, "I am so competitive," or "I am type A personality," or "I hate to loose." Sure, I am always looking forward to my next loss!

I have an acquaintance who is proud of simple thing as cleaning the counter, well, because he is Type A personality and has self acclaimed to posses OCD. This is just insulting those who have been diagnosed with the disorder while all he does is clean the counters well.

Then there is this lady who walks around claiming that she is competitive in three out of five conversation I had with her. It was an immediate turn off. I understand that you are competitive but you do not have to competitively tell everyone about it. I feel that everyone is competitive about things they want and care about. I, for example, won't compete in a drinking game because I know I would loose on the second drink but that does not mean I am not competitive, just that I have better things to fight for.

When I thought this was an oddity I realized that this is more common than not. A few weeks ago two women quickly claimed that they were both aggressive about winning. One could hardly hold herself back while the other was claiming it that she rushed to chime, "me too." I saw them both and across their room and they turned into little kids fighting for the one last ice cream. I laughed so hard inside that I could barely contain it when I was talking to them later. Their stature became so small and cute that they were not imposing any more.

I hope that my daughter does not turn up to be them. That she can relax and compete in things that matter to her because that is what life is all about, fight for what you not and not what others want you to fight for. Do what you enjoy and you would never have to claim personality traits to fit in. Just because your strength turns out to be an achiever in one of those useless test does not mean that you will achieve everything in life or vice versa. It is ok, we all have one life to live, while live it being a "me too?"

A Zen ART

Mental Wanderer!

The last few months have been a roller coaster - of emotions, of lives, of my world as I know it. I was forced to look inside and see that I was not what I thought I always was. I almost entertained a thought that I never thought I would in my life. I was chastised for something that should not have been and I my many apologies seemed to fall in deaf ears. I looked around and saw smiling faces and I felt guilt every time I wanted to laugh. I went on a party wagon but could not let loose to enjoy the ride. Every meal I ate made me feel bad, every word I said made me look inside. I looked at others and felt a pang of jealousy wondering how nice it would be to live life without being me. Yet through all these times I was grateful. I was grateful because I had things that others did not, like love and support, and things to love. I wonder if everyone go through life like this or similar in their life. Yet, I see that as we move on, get stronger, we do not stop to hold others' hands. Instead, we chug along racing towards the never-finding goal ignoring the one's whose lives are down in the dump like mine was a few days ago.

I hope to come out of these funky months very soon and when I do, I want to be stronger, look in the eyes of the perpetrators and tell them that "the shit they threw at me did pass but when it happens to them and if I am around I will extend my hands instead of shitting over them."

Mental wanderer is the state of my mind the last few days. I smile on the outside but the brain is looking around for something that is not touchable. I am hoping that the sun will rise and will shine on me and others going through similar things, it cannot be dark forever, it should not be dark forever. Keep reminding yourself that it is always "mind over matter."

Mental Wandering ART!

And the Bitch is back!

There is always that one person in your life who will do everything possible to make you feel inferior. A lot of times when it is true, you accept it and make changes or move on but sometimes it is fit for laughs and laughs only. Especially when you know that there is nothing you can do to prove your worth...

Recently, I met up with an acquaintance. I want to call her my friend but every time I try to reach out to her or do friendly stuff she either shuts me out or does not accept my friendship. I let it be and now I have come to accept that we will never be friends even after knowing each other for a long time now. Most of my conversation with her are always about others, others I do not know or will never meet. It goes like this on most days:

Her: Do you know so-and-so (sas)?
Me: Nope.
Her: Very smart lady. Has a PhD in microfundamentalpoliticalphysicalshitthatyouwillneverknow
Me: Really? Sounds very impressive.
Her: She is nothing her husband is even better...double PhD in the same thing and very amazing person.
Me: Wow!
Her: Well their kids, are so amazing, one is in Stanford, one in Harvard and the other is studying in the first university in Mars.
Me: Amazing!
Her: Yup. Have you heard of this other person?
Me: Nope...
Her: blah blah blah
Me: Monosyllable excitement.

I always leave wondering how any of our conversation made me feel? Am I supposed to feel awed that she knows all these great people? Am I to feel bad that I only have a Master's? Am I to feel worried if my daughter will go to the best school in the country?

I am normally not known for in depth conversation with everyone. I save that for a few inner circle friends but at least I do not try to patronize people on most days. These meetings are at best boring and I wonder why I have to deal with this and then I remember, it is always nice to have a variety of people around you. My life is definitely not monotonous. People like her make me appreciate some people more than the other .


Return of the Bitchy Art!

Running As Fast As I Can!!!

Have you ever felt that your life is nothing but running from pole to pole? Deadline to deadline? Friend to friend? From home to work and back? From classes to cooking to cleaning to taking care of chores to catching up on TV and catching up on life. Sometimes even watching TV gets overwhelming. I am scheduling TV time in my day just to make sure that I do not miss out on some fun.

There are so many things to remember to do, so many things to take care of, so many places to be and sometimes all at one time. Just writing this down makes me go breathless. I sometimes feel that I live in the constant fear on forgetting something. Did I pack ear muffs for daughter's tennis class? How about a snack? Her gloves? My dabba for lunch? My ID? My purse (yes, I have forgotten this sometime)? My phone😭? My this and that and knickknacks. Golly, I have several lists, I track things at several locations and still fall short.

I keep reminding myself on friend's to text to, say, wish them for a birthday, or ask about their parent or child who is sick, or inquire about an upcoming plan, or their health. I still miss out on something important. I am sure I have at least 2 or 3 people who are upset with me because I did not wish them or ask them about something that was extremely important to them. I promise, it is not because you are not important or I have better things to do. That text message is sitting with the snack I forgot and the dance class fee I forgot to pay two weeks in a row among other things. Yes, even sending a simple text message can cause hyperventilation. I reminded myself three times before I sent out a friend "get well soon" text. I was glad I did that today when it was still in the correct window of wishing. I dread the day a friend will remind me of how thoughtless I am without feeling thoughtless for telling me such a thing.

Now, I understand that these wishes, texts, chores, give us identity, friendships, families, things to look forward to. I only hope that they are not the ones that also give me a heart attach. I have to keep this short so I can go and forget something else or not respond to a text or skip running to a class.

A Running ART!

This is idyllic. Kids running ahead and dad's making sure they are fine while mom's go for a relaxing walk. Wish everyday was like this one!

Messaging Woes...

Please...

1. Reply promptly to invites. Wouldn't you like that for you when you invite others?
2. Respond promptly to messages. A lot of times your response decides what I will do with my time or resources. Your delay in response can cause unnecessary inconveniences that can be avoided.
3. Understand that no one likes to be another's Plan D. If you cannot make me a priority, I understand, but do not make me feel used.
4. I can see that you have read my message...don't think you can fly under the radar and reply 3 days after and say that you had not read my message before...tsk tsk tsk.
5. NO is a totally acceptable response to an invite or a request. If you cannot handle it, you need to do some introspection. I should not be afraid to say to NO to you because you are psychologically bullying me into doing what you want. This is the worst feeling in a relationship and can cause irreparable damage.
6. Even if you want to say NO to something I am asking, please do so promptly. I will try and keep check on my emotions and deal with it in a mature way. But it always helps for me to hear the rejection now than later.
7. Try to not make plans and then dump me. I understand unstoppable circumstances. I have done the same...and I get it. Sucks to be on both sides.
8. Oh! and please do not read emotions in my simple statements or messages. I will express my mood with emoticons. I am known to abuse their usage...so you will know how I am feeling at any given time. 
9. And yes, this post is totally factual and any resemblance to sarcasm or frustration is purely coincidental. 
10. And no, this post is not directed at any one person but to all my interaction on Whatsapp with my many friends individually and in groups. So, if you think this is all about you, I am sorry to disappoint you. It is not always all about you but maybe one or two things do apply to you :P (see...Emoticon use :P)
11. Oh! and I have done a lot of the above as well...I am on the mend now, hopefully you will head that way too...Respect and be Respected.

In the days and age of Whatsapp, I can really see who is doing what...almost...not stalking at all...nope! But really, I can see who got my message and if you read it or not. I want to keep my friendships clean and clear with no hard feelings and looks like Whatsapp might cause a few dents here and there...

A Messaging ART

Katrathu Kai Mann Alavu, Kallathathu Ulagalavu

What you have learnt is only a handful and what you have not is the size of the world...I love this saying and everyday I realize that I will never ever know everything but I should be happy with everything I know. Else, my life will follow the path of misery...

I travel a lot, around the world, locally, here, there, everywhere. I am always up for a road trip. I am up for seeing new things. I am ready to jump on a train or a plane. Nature fascinates me, people amaze me, and the journey itself is enthralling. And yet, after all these years of roving, I realize that I have only seen a few places in the world in comparison to what all is out there.

The same realization occurs to me everyday at work. When I pick up on something that has existed for 1000's of years but only made its presence known to me now, I am in awe. There is an excitement in discovering ancient knowledge and the process of learning new things creates new vigor in life. So much more to learn, to do, to see...

And the best part is when you are learning with your little girl her school stuff and you accidentally stumble upon a different way to do simple math that had never occurred to you before. Most of the time I realize new things as I try to explain a concept to my daughter. When I am trying to break things down for her, I almost always bump into something fascinating. So much more to learn...

What Avvaiyar said gazillion years ago holds good forever...I keep adding a new feather to my hat each day but never heavy enough bring down my hat...

A knowledgeable ART

Psssttt....

Sometimes you feel like a fool, well at least I did. I did something wrong, nothing wrong to feel terrible about, just a tad guilty. I thought I was doing something that I should have told everyone but I I chose not to for reasons only known to me. I thought I was depriving my friend of information and could not muster up my face to see her.

...Few years down the road...I realize that my friend also kept the same secret away from me. She knew and hid it from me and I was wasting my energy feeling guilty while I was being duped...Face Palm moment.

So now that I am guilt free...well, sort of...life feels better and I do not feel bad that I am not friends with that person any more :)

Life is unique and there are so many twists and turns...friends today can become acquaintances tomorrow. I am getting more and more guarded with people around me. I feel that I have been hurt too many times and may have hurt others too in the process. I am starting to tread gently for my sake as well as others...

Guilt Free
ART

It Happens

It always happens. I am open to accepting it but change always takes time to feel natural and real. Going back will not be difficult but caution will be exercised. Going through the change again won't be pleasant and the bridge might be burnt down forever...

Love
ART

Oh God! Why Me?

It was 12.30 in the noon and my friend and I ran frantically between one bus to another bus to get a seat aboard some decent A/C bus to take me to Chennai. I had finished my TOEFL exam in Bangalore and had spent an extra day in Bangalore thereby loosing my reservation on train and the only way to get back seemed to be on road. Which, of course was completely booked. We finally got a set on a Karnataka State Transportation bus which I think was the cheapest fare I had traveled in my entire life between Bangalore and Chennai. And I have done that trip a million times.

My friend who dropped me in the bus was hesitant and asked me many times if I could postpone my ticket for a couple of days. I wished I could but I had to be in Chennai that night so I could take my GRE exam the following day. I walked inside the bus dreading the journey but to my surprise I saw this girl who was my brother's classmate's cousin. We had met at a party and for some odd reason, we knew her parents well and her own brother was my junior in college. The minute I sat down next to her she said, "please don't tell my dad or brother or my cousin that you saw me on this bus." I promised her wondering what her secret was. Which I eventually found out through another friend. At least I had nothing to hide so I saw down feeling a bit better that I had company with me on a bus which had maybe another woman on board.

We chatted a while before each of us got absorbed in our silence, she was not like my best friend or very close to me. We obviously lived different lives, one in which I told my parents everything, well almost and never traveled away from home without informing my family. The journey seemed painless and we assumed that we would reach home early before sunset and I started to relax. I told myself that this was not as bad as it seemed and for Rs.30 I could not have asked for more.

When we got close to Tamilnadu-Karnataka (Hosur) border we heard a lot of noise outside and the bus came to a sudden halt. I did not think it was much to worry for a few seconds before a handful of men walked into the bus with such propriety you would think they owned the bus. They had heavy logs of wood in their hand and the famous South-Indian Veecharuva (sickle). They walked into the bus looking high and low and screaming, "if you are in here come out, you are not going to escape alive." They walked past us and then stopped by us for a few seconds, we were the only two young girls in the entire bus. The two of us bent down looking at our bags intently and did not dare look up till the bus moved again. I think my legs were jelly and my stomach was running at a higher rate than my heart. My friend and I held hands and did not let go for a few minutes. 

The entire bus heaved a sigh of relief but I can bet no one would have come to save us had they wanted to walk away with us. Phew! Thank God! 

When we got to Chennai, my friend reminded me one more time not to tell her family about seeing me. I don't think I met her after that day but I still remember the events so clearly...of course things happened in slow motion freaking the daylights out of me...so much for a non-exciting Rs.30 travel day!

So anyway, I write after reading https://www.facebook.com/GurgaonPolice/posts/511992945549788

I can imagine to a certain extent what each of them might have gone through. Fear is the same when you feel overpowered and unsafe in any situation. It takes a lot for anyone to put aside their life and stand up for anyone else. 

Anyways...thought I will share!

Love

ART